Things I’ve learned in 2 weeks (and a bit) of being a dad…

  • Experienced parents always tell you how tired the newborn will make you.  You may think you know what they mean.  You don’t. You are going to be about 300% MORE tired than you imagine.
  • Every article of clothing the kid owns should button or zip in the front.
  • When changing diapers, don’t wear something you like.  Just don’t.
  • When burping your kid, see above.
  • Don’t just leave the kid laying there while you get another diaper for him either.  Unless you really enjoy being peed on.  Along with the table, the carpet, the walls, and anything nearby.
  • Kids are adorable. Right up until they begin screaming like you’ve severed one of their limbs.  They will do this every, single time they are hungry, wet, or have to fart.
  • Which reminds me. Seriously, kids fart like all the freaking time.
  • You wouldn’t think a baby could be very strong.  Until he’s angry at you for not immediately producing milk.  Try explaining male/female physical differences to the Incredible Hulk.
  • And ten pounds isn’t much until you’ve been holding it for almost an hour because someone doesn’t want to sleep.
  • Your parents know so much shit.  Ask them.  Beg them if necessary.  I’d even entertain consuming their brain matter to steal their knowledge.
    • Sub-note: Your mother is a goddamn ninja. Don’t believe me? One week with a child and when you’re done weeping and uncurl yourself from the fetal position I will accept your apology.
  • You may think your munchkin will stop crying if you just let him cry it out.  He won’t.  He can keep screaming for way longer than his mother can remain detached about it.  Just pick the kid up and figure out what he wants.
  • Buy a recliner if you don’t have one.
    • Related: Best way to knock out the baby and get some sleep for yourself: Lay him on your chest and blanket over both of you.  He will be O-U-T. and so will you.
  • For the love of God, don’t let anyone buy you diapers until you’ve seen the kid.

There you are.  Some pearls of wisdom.  YMMV, but you get what you pay for.

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